Kelly's Story on TryingCollective.com

I never had a problem getting pregnant. It was staying pregnant that seemed to be my problem.

It was the fall of 2007 when those 2 pink lines first changed my life. My husband had signed a contract with a record label just 18 months earlier and our lives had becoming increasingly hectic. We had decided to get married sooner than anticipated due to his impending career changes and spent our last year in college as newlyweds traveling on the weekends to his shows.

Now, with one year of marriage under our belt, we headed out on our first real tour. On the very last night of the tour, I decided to take a pregnancy test per the recommendation of a friend. To my surprise, it was positive! We were delighted!

But soon after, I started bleeding and eventually miscarried in a crowded airport bathroom before we boarded a plane to return home. A line of women stood impatiently in the 3 stall bathroom, waiting for me to vacate my place of grief. I will never forget the excruciating emotional turmoil of being forced to experience such a sacred moment in that crowded, public, and dirty place.

It felt like an eternity before I had the courage to clean myself up and leave the bathroom. I sat down next to Jimmy and whispered, “It’s over.” Sinking down in my chair, I tried to hide my tears. Every person in that terminal was an unwelcome intruder to my grief.

Back home, I was grateful for the busyness of our life of travel and suppressed most of my emotions. Better luck next time, I guess.

My doctor told us to wait a few months before trying again to get pregnant. So we waited. And after a few months, we kept waiting. We never officially decided, but somehow we both knew we weren’t ready.

A couple years later, we felt ready to try again. It didn’t take long before I was taking prenatal vitamins and calculating my due date. But this time my joy lasted only a few days. My grief was accentuated by the fact that Jimmy was on the road and we were fighting about something. But again, I pretty quickly pushed aside my pain and chose not to fully enter into the grief my bleeding body was coaxing me toward.

Staying distracted was easy to do. My parents were moving toward divorce and I was caught in the middle. As the oldest and only married child, I was daily wrestling with how to handle their complaints against one another. I had also found myself in the middle of a complicated situation with a friend, often facing accusations, hurt feelings, and disagreements. And so my week-long pregnancy was easy to push aside.

STARTING TO HOPE

As all the conflict and hardship continued, I found out I was pregnant again. At this point, those two lines were more ominous than hopeful. Pregnancy had brought mostly disappointment. But, it was another chance at starting a family, nonetheless.

I survived the first week. The second. The third. I had actually made it in to a doctor’s office with something alive in my uterus. We heard a heartbeat. Saw the baby on an ultrasound. And suddenly something dangerous began to happen. I began to hope.


I hope you'll read the rest of my story at TryingCollective.com, a great new resource for women suffering through infertility and pregnancy loss. Here is the heartbeat of Trying Collective:

"You are not alone. In your wrestle with infertility, the grief of losing your sweet ones to miscarriage or adoption loss or the slow decaying of your dreams in failed IVF attempts; you are not alone.  This is a collective of women who are journeying through “trying” to have children. The pilgrimage has tried and is trying us. And for most of us, the trying has been beyond what we felt capable of handling. But we are not done living, and we are not done trying.
he goal in sharing our stories is to offer up a fellowship in suffering that would become a healing haven of compassion and understanding. We want to share the dark roads we have walked and cast a peeking glance of light for you. We want your heart to be upheld as we invite you into our experiences and the mercies that God has shown us. Most of all we want you to know you are not alone. Actually, you are in good company. "

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