Let Me Fail
"If I can know You and behold You best in failure, then let me fail that I may see God."
Irony of ironies, the above has been my prayer lately. My worst nightmare [failure] is becoming an avenue for intimacy with my Favorite Person. Being so driven by excellence blinded me to the subtle love of self growing in my heart. Excellence for God's sake is a great thing of course. But my disdain for any subpar performance exposed that my desire to excel had little to do with God and much more to do with myself.
So in His unexpected mercy, God has been allowing and orchestrating failure in my life. I am being asked to do thing I cannot do without a battle of pride in my heart; it drives me crazy. Even if no one else knows, I often see love-of-self tainting my obedience. Though grief has followed those moments of sin exposure, of failing as a wife, as a friend, as a sister, as a mother, I'm beginning to see it as a good thing. It is His rich kindness to continue to place me in the path of eminent failure. He is weaning me off of my love of self-accomplishment.
My self-love was like a film over the eyes of my heart. I could see God, but the glimpses of Him were somewhat cloudy. Failure is the solution dissolving the residue of pride. With each removal of pride comes a crisper view of the glory of God. What delight blossoms in my heart when I behold Him who died with the weight of my failures on the cross! To see God is my greatest good. To perceive His character through His Word a treasure. To rejoice in His victories despite my faiulres is a relief beyond measure. He has accomplished more good through my mistakes than I could ever accomplish through my "right actions" done in my own strength.
One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. (Psalm 27:4) And if this beholding comes through failing, let me fail. To see Him is the greater good.