Monthly Archives: March 2011

Fullness of Joy

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“For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.” Psalm 92:4


Standing on the deck of a lakehouse with my husband, my daughter, and a few close friends, I pretended to blow out a candle that wouldn’t light placed carefully on my 2 freshly roasted marshmallows. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to celebrate my birthday than to spend a day and a half away from home, making s’mores and playing board games with family and friends!


As I reminisce on this past year, I am absolutely overwhelmed and blown away by what God has done in my life. My heart aches for words to express the depth of love, gratitude, and wonder I feel toward Him. It is the longing of my heart to share the wonders of His ways in my life so that many will hear and want to know this amazing God for themselves!


It was this time last year that I was weary with grief. I had just miscarried for the 3rd time a few months earlier, which was the climax of 2 challenging and sorrowful years, and I felt tired. Tired of grieving, tired of the unexpected struggles with fear, jealousy, and anger that came with every baby commercial and pregnant woman I saw.


It was in this state of being that I felt lead to insert myself into the story of Bartimaeus in Mark 10:46-52. In this passage Jesus asks this blind beggar, “What do you want me to do for you?” It was incredibly powerful for me as I pondered how I would respond if Jesus had asked me the same question. I felt the weight of my response. Jesus of Nazareth, Son of the Living God, had just offered to do something for me. What did I really want? Did I just want to be pregnant, or was it more than that? I sat in silence in my living room staring at that page in my Bible feeling almost nervous as if Jesus was right there in front of me awaiting my answer.


I thought back on my life and how my relationship with Jesus had been the constant and central joy. He has captured my heart like no one else. Yet, after a couple years in the darkness of grief and sorrow, where God had been silent, I didn’t feel much joy in Him. In fact, I had been wrestling with feelings of anger and frustration with Him. I felt confused by what seemed to be God’s lack of concern for my situation and His silence toward me. Even more than just wanting children, I longed for restoration in my relationship with Him.


I pondered the question again: “What do you want me to do for you?” I carefully and decidedly wrote in my journal, “I want the fullness of joy in Your presence. (Ps 16:11)” I hesitated, and then added “And I would love to have children one day.” I continued along with the story of Bartimaeus in Mark 10: “‘Go,’ said Jesus, ‘your faith has healed you.’ Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.” So I concluded my journal entry, speaking of myself, with: “Immediately Jesus began to answer her requests, and she followed Him the rest of her days.”


My birthday came a few weeks later. As I have now made this a habit each year, I asked God for a birthday gift. (Some years I have asked for a specific thing, and other years just for anything that I KNOW is from Him.) His gift to me became apparent immediately. As I was getting dressed and singing to a new worship CD, I unexpectedly found myself jumping and dancing! I was overcome with such a deep, profound, uncontrollable joy that the only explanation was that it was supernatural.



Immediately, I remember my request from a few weeks earlier for the fullness of joy that is in God’s presence. There couldn’t have been a better description of what I felt. I had such an unexplainable sense that this day was the starting of a new season. That God was doing a new work in my life. I was sure of it.


Of course my next immediate thought was… “If God answered my request for joy, maybe He also answered my request for children! What if I am pregnant again? Talk about one amazing birthday present!” I briefly entertained the thought of purchasing a pregnancy test, but then quickly dismissed it. I had taken so many pregnancy tests, some positive, some negative, and it had always been a discouraging process because of the multiple miscarriages I’ve had. I told God, “The only way I’ll take a pregnancy test is if you delivered it to my doorstep!”


My day continued to go wonderfully! Jimmy, as always, outdid himself and took me out to a nice restaurant, threw me a surprise party, and gave me his standard 3+ gifts! It was later that night at my party that my dear friend and mentor Krystal asked me to step outside with her so she could give me a special gift. She tried to explain that this was a strange gift and she didn’t mean to offend, but felt like she was supposed to give it to me. And sure enough, as I stood on my doorstep and unwrapped this small box, I laid my eyes on what else but a pregnancy test! I immediately began crying as I told her my prayer from that morning. Her response was simply this: “I’m not sure when you are supposed to take it, but I think this is God’s way of saying ‘Be ready.’”


Although I did take the pregnancy test that night and it was negative, it didn’t phase me. I knew God was going to also answer my request for children and that this was his way to let me know. (I still have that pregnancy test by the way.) It was just over a month later that Jimmy and I found ourselves in a hotel room Jerusalem, Israel staring at a positive pregnancy test!


“For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.”

Lively in the onesie we bought her in Jerusalem when we found out I was pregnant

As I rocked Lively to sleep this morning, I cannot help be reminisce on all these things. My God is great and He does great and marvelous things in the lives of His children. This past year has been marked by joy. Not joy from getting what I want and being free from pain, but joy in HIS PRESENCE. And I know the joy I have would not be nearly as deep and profound if I had not walked through the valley of grief and sorrow clinging to God though I couldn’t see or feel Him. I look forward to what this next year of life will bring. Whether joy or sorrow, peace or strife, I am learning to rejoice in whatever God brings my way because in either circumstance He is still with me. And that indeed is the greatest gift I could ever receive: more and more of His presence. It is there that I find FULLNESS OF JOY.

One Thing…

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Silence. ahhh. Sweet silence. This is a rare commodity in my life now a days. Between the hustle and bustle of Jimmy and his band coming and going and me learning how to interpret and respond to the cries of our daughter, there is usually quite a lot of activity in the Needham home. But currently, Jimmy is sleeping off his 8 hour drive home last night, and Lively is taking her afternoon nap. (Of course, as soon as I finished that last sentence, Lively woke up crying with gas pains. It is now a few hours later.)


Anyway… I do greatly relish silence when it does happen. And while I usually have many other things to do in these brief moments of stillness, today I decided to write. I have begun to enjoy writing more and more through the years. I think it is because I understand things most fully when I get to explain them or teach them to others. It is when I am sharing what God is doing in my life that I fully understand and appreciate it.


Lately, the lesson I seem to be relearning over and over again is the importance and priority of my relationship with God. Basic, yes. Fundamental, yes. But somehow I seem to still choose to put God on the back burner. Why? I guess in the moment I convince myself that other things are more important. Or I make excuses like, “I’ll spend time with God later today” (which of course NEVER happens). Even as I write this, I am fully aware that nothing is more important than time with Him and that when I do put Him first everything else falls into place. It makes me wonder why I choose other things over Him again and again.


Have you ever felt this way?


“I consider all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus Christ my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish that I may gain Chirst.” – Philippians 3:7-8
These verses were on my letter jacket in high school, and still to this day I feel as if they are the theme of my life. They testify to the joyfulness I experience in keeping Christ first and expose everything I put above Him as the rubbish that they really are. Some days they cause rejoicing in my heart, other days conviction. Today, I read those verse and feel conviction.


Keeping our house clean is a loss compared to the SURPASSING GREATNESS of know Jesus.
Answering all my emails is a loss compared to the SURPASSING GREATNESS of know Jesus.
Getting a few extra hours of sleep is a loss compared to the SURPASSING GREATNESS of know Jesus.
Watching my favorite tv show is a loss compared to the SURPASSING GREATNESS of know Jesus.
EVERYTHING is a loss compared to the SURPASSING GREATNESS of know Jesus.


When will I learn this lesson for good? Maybe I never will. Maybe every day for the rest of my life I will have to choose again to believe this sweet promise that there is only ONE THING that matters. There is only ONE THING that should have first place in my heart.


JESUS.


Lord, give me the heart of Mary who chose to sit at Your feet and listen to Your Word. You said of her, “Only ONE THING is needed, and Mary has chosen the better part.” (Luke 10:42)