Four Marks of A Pharisee

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The chief priests and the elders came to Jesus. … And Jesus said to them, “Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the kingdom of God before you.”  Matthew 21:23-32

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Last week I shared about my personal realization that I was a Closet Pharisee.  Though I had a true love for Jesus, my pursuit of holiness took a slight wrong turn and a hidden and insidious pride began to grow in my heart.  If you grew up in church like me, you must be careful to discern your heart in this matter.  You may know certain truths in your head that your heart does not yet believe.  I knew that “all had sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”  I knew that “the wages of sin is death.”  I could tell you that I deserved hell for my sins and that I was saved “by grace alone through faith and that not of myself or works so that no one may boast.”  Yet, in my heart and my actions, I believed I was good enough on my own apart from Jesus.  As you read this, I invite you to check your heart and motives.  Just because you have a genuine love for God and aren’t aware of any sin in your heart, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

The Danger of Self-righteousness

The Pharisees were the religious leaders in Jesus’s day.  They were very moral and religious people who were often in the temple, studying the Law and making sacrifices.  And ironically, they receive the harshest words of judgment from Jesus during his time on earth.  Why is this?  Because they looked to their own good works and good deeds to save them.  Therefore, they didn’t have the ability to relate to Jesus as a savior, because they were looking to themselves for that.  They were self-righteous, looking for righteousness within themselves.  Comparatively, this is why the prostitutes and tax collectors, who knew they had no righteousness and no hope of salvation in themselves, were able to receive Jesus as savior.  As our pastor said earlier this month, “The Pharisees good behavior is more dangerous and more damning than the sin of tax collectors and prostitutes.”

Just as in Jesus’s day, a self-righteous heart is still the premier enemy of the Gospel of Jesus today.  It is the self-righteous ones that are in the most danger of missing salvation.  So what does it mean to be self-righteous?  Self-righteousness is relating to God based on your performance for God.  This manifests in both feeling good about yourself when you are doing well and feeling discouraged when you are battling sin.  Both are performance-based ways to relate to God.

If Jesus’s harshest words of judgment are to the Pharisees, then it would serve us well to be quick to identify our inclinations toward self-righteousness and repent quickly of our pharisaical ways.  Jesus himself, speaking of the scribes and Pharisees, said “Do not do according to their deeds.” (Matt 23:3)

Four Marks of a Pharisee

What does it mean to be a Pharisee?  How do we avoid their condemnable way of life?  Here are a few identifying characteristics of these self-righteous, religious, anti-Jesus people.

They trusted in themselves for their righteousness & viewed others with contempt.

And He also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and viewed other with contempt: Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector.  The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ … I tell you, this man was not justified.”  Luke 18:9-14

It can be hard to truly discern if we are trusting in ourselves for righteousness when we know all the right Christian answers.  But there are a few side effects of trusting in yourself that we see from this text.  The first is that you view others with contempt.  Contempt means the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.  This means that in your heart you tend to look down on others who you perceive to be “worse sinners” than yourself.  This may be that sorority girl who sleeps around and gets drunk on the weekends, or the gay barista that you see every week at Starbucks or the Christian mom who divorced her husband and now puts her children in day care to go to work.  As soon as you stray away from the worldview that we are ALL sinners in desperate need of the grace of God for ANY good to be accomplished in our lives, you are following the prideful way of the Pharisee.

Secondly, you feel confident before God because of what you have done for Him.  It’s one thing to desire to honor God with your life because He has saved you.  It’s another thing when your good deeds become the reason you feel that God can accept you and be pleased with you.  If any of your confidence is found in how good you are, then like the Pharisees you have believed the lie that you can be good apart from God.  Consequently, this will cause you to feel as if the world is falling apart when you are struggling with outward sin.

  • Do you feel comforted by the thought that you are a “better person” or “better Christian” than others in your life?
  • Are there certain people you find it hard to have compassion on?
  • When you think about how your spiritual life is going, do you immediately look to what you have done for God?
  • Do you feel comforted and confident after you’ve had a long quiet time?  Or when you have given a lot of money?  Or shared the gospel a certain number of times?
  • Do you feel like you can’t approach God when you aren’t meeting your own standards of righteousness?

They do everything to be noticed by others and love to have the outward signs of holiness.

They do all their deeds to be noticed by men; for they broaden their phylacteries and lengthen the tassels of their garments.  Matthew 23:5

phylacteriesFirst of all, what is a phylactery?  These were small cases containing scripture worn on the left arm and forehead for religious purposes in Jewish culture.  These and the tassels of their garments were outward signs of spirituality that the Pharisees made sure others could see.  We may not wear scripture on our foreheads and arms, but that doesn’t mean we don’t magnify and “broaden” our own outward signs of holiness in our American Christian culture.  Some of these signs may include: abstinence from alcohol, not dating around or sleeping around, not spending money frivolously, sharing the Gospel, not going to the wrong parties, etc.   None of these are bad things in and of themselves.  In fact, these can all be good things that honor God when done with the right heart.  The problem is when we do these things with the purpose to be seen by others and to make ourselves look good.

  • Do you take pride in areas of outward holiness?  Do you often compare yourself to others in these areas?
  • Do you forsake the unseen spiritual disciplines in your life (prayer, serving your family or roommates, self-discipline while you are alone)?
  • Do you often think about how others will view you if you do or don’t do something?
  • Do you look for moments in conversation to tell others about your spiritual disciplines (prayer, fasting, giving, sharing the gospel, etc)? Or do you regularly share about these things on social media?
  • Do you spend more time seeking God (in prayer, Bible reading, worshipping, etc) when you are with others than when you are alone?

They loved being honored and elevated above others.

[The Pharisees] love the place of honor at banquets and the chief seats in the synagogues, and respectful greetings in the market places, and being called Rabbi by men. Matthew 23:6-7

This may be a hard characteristic to discern in yourself.  You may even read that statement and think to yourself, “That’s not me.  I don’t need to be honored or elevated.”  But often a truer test of our hearts is how we respond when others are honored and elevated, especially those close to us or those we deem as less spiritual.

Before traveling with Jimmy, I never would have thought I desired honor and elevation.  Then, I found myself with him at concerts every weekend where he was often recognized and praised publicly.  All of the sudden, I was consumed with thoughts of, “What about me?  Does anyone see how spiritual I am?”  My true desires were revealed that I loved honor.  I loved recognition.

  • Is it hard for you to be truly happy for others when they are honored and praised?
  • When someone else is honored, do you immediately compare yourself to him or her or wonder why no one has said that of you yet?
  • Do you go above and beyond with the secret hope that those around you will notice and publicly praise you?
  • When someone “less spiritual” or younger than you is honored, are you eaten up with jealousy?
  • Do you long to be a teacher, pastor, worship leader, or in full time ministry so that you can be looked up to or have people underneath you?
  • Would you be content if you knew God had called you to a lifetime of service behind the scenes or would you secretly always want something more?

They feel compelled to justify themselves to men to keep up appearances.

And Jesus said to [the Pharisees], “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” Luke 16:15

This will look different for everyone depending on the image you are trying to protect.  For most Jesus followers, myself included, we take pride in different aspects of being a “good Christian.”  This could be how you dress and how much makeup you wear, how you eat, who and how you date, how you spend your time, or what you read. I tend to take pride in being a conservative spender and a generous giver.  So when something happened that could disrupt my image, I sought to justify myself before others.  For example, my dad bought me a very expensive and nice piece of jewelry for my wedding.  When others complimented me, I couldn’t just say thank you.  I felt compelled to explain that it was a gift from my dad to make sure everyone knew I didn’t spend that much money on myself.  Likewise, if I was complimented on a new outfit, I just had to explain how great of a deal I got and all the coupons I used and “can you believe all the proceeds go to charity?!”  Sadly, this revealed a desire to be seen as holy and good before others more than a desire to see God glorified in my heart and my actions.

  • Do you feel compelled to explain yourself and your motives to others?
  • Do you have a hard time receiving compliments about certain things without explaining yourself?
  • Do you look for moments in conversation to tell others why you do what you do?

While these are only a few distinguishing marks of the Pharisees (you can read about more in Matthew 23, Luke 13:10-17, 14:12-14), ultimately all these things boil down to pride.  Of all the offensive things to God, there is none greater than pride (Prov 6:16-18, 8:13, Ps 101:5). For “everyone who is proud in heart is an abomination to the Lord;
Assuredly, he will not be unpunished.”(Proverbs 16:5)

The Antidote

For You do not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; You are not pleased with burnt offering.  The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.  Psalm 51:16-17

Even as I write this list I am overwhelmed with brokenness as I consider how great a sinner I am.  This list has far too often described me.  I am as the one to whom Jesus said “Woe to you, hypocrite! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside you are full of self-indulgence. Woe to you! For you are like a whitewashed tomb which on the outside appears beautiful, but inside is full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness.  So you, too, outwardly appear righteous to men, but inwardly you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.” (Matt 23:25-28)  Of all types of sinners, I am the worst.  I belittle the work of Jesus on the cross with my arrogant confidence in myself and yet say all the right things on the outside to appear holy to protect my own reputation.  Yet praise be to God that He has not dealt with me according to my sins or rewarded me according to my iniquity but instead has justified me as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Jesus! (Ps 103:10, Rom 3:24)

If you read the above list and found yourself identifying with these anti-Jesus religious people, then let the first response be one of sincere brokenness.  More than good deeds and longer quiet times, God desires a broken and contrite heart that is humble and repentant before him.  If you need to, get on your knees now and repent before God for allowing the despicable sin of pride to dwell in your heart.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

After confession and repentance, there are four practical ways that I regularly fight pharisaical pride in my heart.  I will discuss those in my next blog.

Closet Pharisee

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“Fill up, then, the measure of the guilt of your fathers.  You serpents, you brood of vipers, how will you escape the sentence of hell?” ~Jesus, Matthew 23: 32-33

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You’d think these words were said to a murderer, or a sexually perverted or promiscuous person, or a thief.  But no, Jesus was speaking to the religious leaders of the day.

Wait, did you catch that… Jesus’s harshest words of judgment are to the religious leaders of the day.  This should cause the ears of this religious church girl to perk up and listen.  Why such harsh words?  And what did these religious people do to merit such severe judgment?  And how do I make sure I am truly following Jesus and not the path of these anti-Jesus religious people?  These are questions I should have asked in my early years of following Jesus.

Even though I fell in love with Jesus early in my life, there grew an inward bent of my soul, slowly and stealthily, that was hardly noticeable.  I’m not sure exactly how it started.  Maybe it was the subconscious joy I found in the acclaim of people in being such a “good Christian.”  Maybe I couldn’t help but notice how much “better” I was than my peers.  Somewhere along the way, I began to delight in my good works more than the work of Jesus.  My heart started to reflect that of a Pharisee more than Jesus.

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:9-14)

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector (Luke 18:9-14)

No matter how it started, a root of pride began to grow in my heart and for years it was watered with the praise of others and my own comparison to my peers.  I became really good at “being a Christian.” In the morning, I trusted my ability to have a good quiet time and memorize scripture.  In the evening, I found peace in my “maturity” to worship with hands raised.  I no longer needed Jesus as my savior.  My good deeds had become my functional savior.  I knew the right words to say, the right things to do to look like the best Jesus-follower out there.

Like the Pharisees, I was completely blind to my sinful pride.  It wasn’t until I got married that this slow-growing disease was made clear to me.  Before saying “I do,” I thought I was pretty awesome and that Jimmy was pretty lucky to have such a godly wife.  (Though I NEVER would have said that, obviously, because that is a pretty prideful thing to think and I wasn’t prideful… I was a humble, servant-hearted Christian.) But nonetheless, I thought I was awesome.  So when I  found myself, 2 weeks after our wedding, in Nashville surrounded by people who thought Jimmy was awesome, I grew angry, resentful, and insecure.

People were enthralled with his music and only knew me as his wife.  ”How lucky I must be to be married to such a wonderful man!”  ”Isn’t he awesome?”  ”God has greatly gifted this man!”  I was surrounded by people who didn’t care about me and were telling me how wonderful my new husband was.  This was a direct assault to that root of pride that had been growing in my heart.

“What about me?!  I’m pretty awesome too!  Have you seen how great of a Christian I am?  How gifted I am?  Hello!  He’s the lucky one, not me!”  This monstrous pride that had been lying dormant and growing for years suddenly reared its ugly head.  And boy was it ugly.  I began to lash out in the only place I could without losing my “awesome Christian girl” reputation: at my husband.  I said hateful things.  I found myself in anger I never knew I was capable of .

This lead to confusion and disillusionment: “I’m better than this!  Why am I so angry, so hateful and unforgiving?  So insecure and jealous? I am a good Christian!”  Looking to my own ability to be good, I wondered why my idol of self wasn’t coming through for me.  Why wasn’t my normal way of life working anymore?  This was one circumstance where I couldn’t look to my own good works any more.

Thank God for this direct assault on my pride, this crushing of my idol of self.  Without this challenging season I would have never been able to even see my pride.  He used my circumstances to stir up the waters of my life and all that prideful sediment that was accumulating at the bottom swirled to the surface where I could see it for what it was: sin.  Nasty, ugly sin.

The interesting thing about pride is that it is self-deceiving.  Meaning, while walking in pride, you don’t even realize that you are prideful.  You actually think you are right; not in any sin.  (See Jer 49:16, Oba 1:3, 1 Cor 3:18, Gal 6:3) So for a while I was in denial that I had an issue with pride and love of self.  I still thought the problem was my circumstance: my husband’s career choice, his lack of understanding of my situation, other people’s blindness to my plight, etc.  And as long as I stayed in this denial with my focus on others, nothing changed.

A few months into marriage, things finally started to change.  In the middle of an argument with Jimmy, God supernaturally opened the eyes of my heart to see clearly: I was full of pride and arrogance and had been trusting my own works above the work of Jesus.  In brokenness and tears I fell to my face before God.  I vividly remember my prayer on that night: “Dear Lord, I have never felt more ashamed of myself.  I deserve the depths of hell for this pride and arrogance in my heart.  Thank you for your saving grace that covers me.”  I realized in that moment what I truly was: a closet Pharisee.  Disguised in the outward adornment of good Christian behavior, my soul had cultivated the pride and self-sufficiency of a Pharisee.  Of all those in scripture, I had become as those that Jesus most harshly condemns.

But, what a merciful God to show me the sin in my heart.  He graciously and intentionally gave me a very gifted husband with a very public ministry.  It was through this that God showed me my pride. It was through this that He began to cultivated a true heart of humility and Christ-likeness in me. (Let this also serve as a warning to those who think marriage will make them happy and satisfy their hearts.  Marriage is often God’s chosen sanctification instrument, which means there are many times that it is not fun, but rather hard.  Jesus alone must be the one we look to for fulfillment and joy.  Only then can marriage have its proper place in our lives.)

Over the years, I have become more sensitive toward my pharisaical tendencies.  I often study the characteristics of the Pharisees and the charges Jesus brings against them in an effort to rid my own heart of such things.  Later this week, I will post about “The Marks of a Pharisee” and how I fight against those inclinations in my own life.

Servanthood: the Path to Greatness

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IMG_7099Almost 7 months ago, we welcomed our 2nd daughter, Sophia, into the world! And with the joy of her arrival, God ushered in a new season of my life: one of servanthood.

I cannot tell you the joy and the honor it is for me to spend my day taking care of children. (Those of you who know my story can understand the depth of appreciation I have for the gift of motherhood.) But the arrival of a second baby resulted in a loss of my free time, my rest, and my energy. Amidst the joy of finally holding this sweet new baby I was often frustrated that I was not able to do the things I wanted to do.

At the time, I had been reading through Matthew and a couple of passages caught my attention:

“But the greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled ; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.” Matthew 23:11-12

“Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28

What a backwards thing to say! The first shall be your slave, the greatest shall be your servant. This goes against the grain of every natural inclination in me. It is my default to see how I can climb the ladder of greatness, whether in the realm of motherhood, the world of blogging, or within my own circles of friends. I often find myself trying to become “greater” without even realizing it. It is just the subtle current of my sin-inflicted heart to drift toward self-exaltation and self-promotion.

But here, Jesus just gave me a glimpse into a greater reality: in the Kingdom of God, the greatest are those that are servants to all. The way up is down. The way to greatness is lowliness. And this is because Jesus Himself modeled this:

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God,
did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
but made himself nothing,
taking the very nature of a servant,
being made in human likeness.
And being found in appearance as a man,
he humbled himself
and became obedient to death
even death on a cross!
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father.”
Philippians 2:5-11

Jesus’ own path to exaltation began in laying aside His rights and choosing the lowly path of servanthood, even to the point of death. Why would His Kingdom operate any differently?

While pondering these things, I realized I had a golden opportunity. This season of endless diaper changes, overflowing dishes and sleepless nights was actually an opportunity to learn about true greatness. To meditate on the reality that in following Jesus I am called, like Him, to give up everything I am entitled to and choose the path of servant. Except, unlike Jesus, I am not actually entitled to anything.

I began to ponder what it really means to be a servant and a slave. What would life be like for servants or slaves in a household? I could imagine they would feel tired and sore at the end of the day. That any free time they had for themselves would be seen as a gift. That they wouldn’t expect to be thanked and congratulated for their service because they are only doing what is expected of them. As Jesus shared, the right response of a servant is: “We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.” (Luke 17:9-10)

To take up this call to servanthood changed my outlook entirely. My entitlement was replaced with gratitude. My complaining turned to rejoicing. My need for a pat on the back was substituted with a thankfulness to become more like Jesus.

Ironically, I have sometimes resented the call of motherhood and servanthood because it seems to keep me from doing “something greater or more important.” Truthfully, I usually desire to do those “greater, more important things” so that I can feel good about myself or feel that I have some value and standing among my peers. It is really self-exaltation in disguise. The Word tells me how to be great and how to be important VERY PLAINLY: be a servant. It is not confusing, subtle, or said only once. Evidently, Jesus found it necessary to emphasize to our stubborn hearts that He really did mean that the first shall be last.

I must quote one of my favorite books here:

“Whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant.” Would God [help us believe] that Jesus means this! We all know what the character of a faithful servant or slave implies. Devotion to the master’s interests, thoughtful study and care to please him, delight in his prosperity and honor and happiness. There are servants on earth in whom these dispositions have been seen, and to whom the name of servant has never been anything but a glory. To how many of us has it not been a new joy in the Christian life to know that we may yield ourselves as servants, as slaves to God, and to find that His service is our highest liberty,-the liberty from sin and self? We need now to learn another lesson,-that Jesus calls us to be servants of one another, and that, as we accept it heartily, this service too will be a most blessed one, a new and fuller liberty too from sin and self. At first it may appear hard; this is only because of the pride which still counts itself something. If once we learn that to be nothing before God is the glory of the creature, the spirit of Jesus, the joy of heaven, we shall welcome with our whole heart the discipline we may have in serving even those who try to vex us. When our own heart is set upon this, the true sanctification, we shall study each word of Jesus on self-abasement with new zest, and no place will be too low, and no stooping too deep, and no service too mean or too long continued, if we may but share and prove the fellowship with Him who spake, “I am among you as he that serveth”.
~Andrew Murray, “Humility”

May I always be CONVINCED that Jesus truly meant what He said: that servanthood is the path to greatness. May I always jump at the chance to serve others and consider their needs as more important than my own. For this is the way in which my Savior lived and I seek to emulate Him in all ways.

“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

The Myth of “The One”

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“I think he might be the one!”

Aren’t we all waiting to get to that moment in a relationship? There is this concept that has been propagated through an abundance of romantic comedies as well as our American Christian culture that we all have one perfect soul mate out there somewhere. But I want to propose that this idea of “the one” is a myth and is an idea that is actually bringing more harm than good to those who embrace it.

First, let’s talk about what I mean when I say “The One.” There is a right way and a wrong way to view this. As Christians, we know that Psalm 139 says “all the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.” Because God is aware of what will happen throughout the course of our life, he obviously knows who we will marry if we get married. This is 100% Biblical and a correct way to think. If this is how you see “the one,” then this article is not for you. But there is another, more common way that “the one” is viewed that is not Biblical. It defines the one as the singular other human on the planet who can complete you, satisfy all your longings, and the only one with whom you can have a successful marriage. We see this concept in movies like Jerry Maguire (the famous “You complete me” line), and Twilight (“You’re my only reason to stay alive.”). This concept of “the one” is what I am dealing with in this article. The idea of hoping in one person to complete and satisfy you might not seem that bad on the surface, but underneath it results in numerous problems in marriage and singleness.


The Impact in Marriage

Belief in the one has taken a biblical view of God’s sovereignty and distorted it, implying that there is only one other human being on the planet that we can have a fulfilling and successful marriage with. This causes us to place our hope for a successful marriage in who we marry instead of in Jesus. This unfairly puts incredible pressure on our spouse to satisfy us and brings sure disappointment when they don’t live up to our expectations.

If your hope for a satisfying marriage is based on meeting the perfect person, what happens when 3 years in that person isn’t making you feel as wonderful as you hoped? They immediately become the one to blame for your unhappiness. “If you would just love me like you used to when we were dating, I’d be happier!” Marriage can quickly turn into a finger-pointing blame game if your basis for happiness is your perfect soulmate. Even if you are the two most compatible people on the planet, you will still have conflict because we are all sinners and self-centered by default.

The ramifications of this outlook can be enormous. If you become unhappy in marriage, you may convince yourself you made a mistake and your spouse wasn’t actually the one. This could potentially lead you to justify divorce simply because of unhappiness. Or if you don’t divorce, you may live under a constant feeling that you have settled for something less than you deserve leading to deep-rooted bitterness toward your spouse.

Secondly, the one concept encourages a self-centered view of marriage. Biblically, marriage should be all about the glory of God, just as every aspect of our lives should be (see 1 Corin 10:31). We should be striving for a partnership in marriage that is about bringing God glory and seeking Him together. But when you look to your spouse for satisfaction, meaning and worth, it immediately turns your view inward, instead of upward to Jesus. It promotes an attitude of “what can I get” from my spouse instead of “what can I give.” As Christians, we are called not to be served by our spouse but to serve them, just like the Jesus we follow (Matt 20:28).


The Impact in Singleness

The one mentality also affects those who are single. Believing there is only one human who can meet your needs can cause great anxiety and fear of missing that person or choosing the wrong person. You may be dating someone who loves Jesus, someone you could have a great marriage with, but doubt he is the one. This may cause you to be obsessed with thoughts like, “what if there is someone better out there for me?” Or if you aren’t dating, you might be tempted to always keep your eye out for the one instead of shifting all your gaze toward Jesus, where it should be.

Another problem is that this mindset encourages single people to look to their feelings to determine whether to date or marry someone. “I just feel like he is the one!” “I think we may get married, but I just don’t feel like I expected I would when I met the one.” The main problem here is this: Feelings are NEVER a solid foundation for a relationship, or for anything else for that matter. Our feelings can change in a matter of hours and often aren’t a picture of reality. Yet I find that this is usually the first and greatest basis people give for dating someone.

Now don’t get me wrong, it isn’t bad to have all those butterfly-like feelings. There are many of my friends who are married to a man they had these type of feelings toward early on. But it isn’t always the case, neither does it need to be a prerequisite for a good relationship or marriage. In either situation, the point remains: feelings are never a solid foundation for a relationship or marriage because they change. It is only a matter of time before that amazing person you were sure was the one doesn’t make you feel quite as wonderful. And if the basis for dating/marrying that person was how you felt at the time, then when those feelings go away it will shake your whole relationship.

The one idea doesn’t just promote judging relationships by our feelings, but also causes us to feel entitled to certain romantic expectations in our relationships. Sometimes, from movies or our own imaginations, we can have incredibly lofty expectations of what it will be like to finally meet the one: how he or she will treat us, how he will propose, how she will look, etc. So, what if you are dating someone and he doesn’t do anything for your 6 month anniversary? Or he proposes over dinner at chili’s instead of the elaborate evening you had hoped for? Or he doesn’t look at all like you thought, or heaven forbid he is the same height or shorter than you? If you’ve embraced the one mentality, you may doubt your entire relationship based on these unmet expectations. But in all reality, you can have a successful marriage with someone who proposes over dinner or someone who proposes on national television. You can have a successful marriage with someone who is taller than or shorter than you. These things don’t make successful marriages!


The Biggest Problem

But more than all these reasons I’ve just mentioned, the greatest problem with this idea of the one is that it tends to promote idolatry. Let me explain. Often, there is so much expectation wrapped up in the idea of meeting the perfect man or woman that you begin to look to this person above all else for fulfillment. Whether it is your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend or an imaginary future someone, looking to them for meaning more than Jesus makes them an idol. Anything you feel you need to be happy besides Jesus is an idol. Ultimately, if anyone is truly the one for us, it is Jesus. He is the only one we should look to with hope and expectation to meet our needs, satisfy our souls, and give us purpose. For all else is rubbish compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him! (Phil 3:7-9)

To recap, if you truly embrace the idea of the one as defined in this article, the result will be anxiety and fear in singleness and/or dating, an incorrect basis for evaluating potential spouses, a self-focused view of marriage leading to disappointment and potentially divorce, and ultimately and most importantly idolatry.


How to Have a Successful Marriage

So if we refuse to embrace this concept of the one, what is an appropriate way to evaluate marriage partners? That starts with an appropriate view of what it takes to have a successful marriage. A successful marriage is found through two people, whose hope is in Jesus, who are committed to the covenant they made and consider the other person as better than themselves. This is only made possible through Jesus. He is the only one who can fill us up, satisfy our souls’ need for love and purpose. He gives us the ability to die to ourselves and consider our spouse as more important than ourselves. As we seek Him and are filled up by Him each day, we are enabled to look to our marriage with the view of “what can I give?” As we study and learn of His faithfulness to sinners like us, we are able to choose to keep our own marriage covenant when our spouse isn’t fulfilling their end of the deal. Jesus is our hope for a good marriage!

Honestly, I believe you can take any two people who love Jesus, have their eyes on Him for fulfillment, and who long to keep their covenant and serve each other, and they will have a successful marriage! It doesn’t matter how “compatible” they are, how much they have in common, or even how strong of feelings they have toward one another. Those things do not make a successful marriage, a love for Jesus and His glory above all else does.

So, instead of asking the question “Is he the one? Is she the one?”, we should ask “Can I have a God-glorifying, Jesus-centered marriage with him/her?” Rather than looking for someone that can meet all our needs, we should instead look for someone who loves Jesus more than anything and seeks to glorify God in all they do. These things applied in the realm of marriage will make it successful, satisfying, and fulfilling. Let’s choose today to change the norm in how we view relationships and marriage. Let’s put Jesus back in the center of it all!

**updated on Nov. 1**

Just Because

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Last year, I wrote an essay for a contest held by Real Simple magazine called “The Life Lessons Essay Contest.”  The prompt for the contest was “When did you first understand the meaning of love?”  In attempting to write a strategic entry that might actually win, I wrote about our 3 miscarriages.  Though my essay has no mention of God, who is the truest form of and actual essence of love, I believe that the love I describe in this essay is ultimately modeled best in our God through the person of Jesus.  Despite all our sin and flaws, He chooses to show us grace “just because.” It has nothing to do with what we’ve done or not done, it has everything to do with His character and grace.

Though I didn’t win, I enjoyed writing for this contest and thought I would share this essay with you all.  Enjoy!

 

“Just Because”

written by Kelly Needham

 

Two lines.  I love those two lines. I hate those two lines.  They have become welcomed friends and also hated enemies.  I first saw them unexpectedly in the Fall of 2007, and then a second time with more anticipation in September of 2009.  But it was the third time, around Thanksgiving 2009, which rocked me. 

 

It was with an uncontrollable smile that I welcomed those two wonderful lines on the freshly-peed-on pregnancy test in my hand.  “I’m pregnant!  I just knew it!”  I sat down on the floor in my bathroom pondering the massive implications of what those two lines told me. Using the already downloaded pregnancy app on my phone, I immediately calculated my due date.  July 23, 2010.  A perfect birth date!  I’d be showing by March, having baby showers in the summer, and this time next year would be holding a baby.  Everything felt right.  Sure the first two times, things hadn’t quite turned out how I expected, but that was just a fluke.  Two random, unfortunate mistakes.  But this time was different.  This baby was coming!

 

The following month brought a whirlwind of emotions that I welcomed with unmatched fervor.  We picked out names, told friends and family, and daydreamed about nurseries, play time, and baby sounds.  I had an inexplicable feeling that this baby had purpose and meaning, that his or her life was bound to be something remarkable.  Even when the familiar bleeding started a few weeks later, I was unwavering in my hope.  After all, the other babies had lasted just 4 weeks and I was already at 9 weeks and had heard its heartbeat!  Solidifying my sense of hope, my doctor sent me home without any worries and a prescription of bed rest for a week.  It wasn’t until I found myself holding that tiny one-and-a-half inch baby in the bathroom late one Sunday night that I finally gave up hope.

 

I hate those two lines.

 

Trying to pick myself up off the emotional floor of raw sorrow and disappointment took more energy than I had.  Somehow this third loss caused a deeper and more poignant sense of hopelessness.  Once or twice might have been a fluke, but three times felt absolute.  I once more faced the grueling task of mourning another miscarriage.  It’s hard enough to tell all your excited friends and family members that your little bundle of joy is no more.  But worse than that is finding a way to mourn the death of someone you’ve never met. 

 

Miscarriage is peculiar kind of grief.  When a friend or family member dies, you have memories, pictures, and mementos to help you grieve.  After all, that is part of the grieving process… remembering.  But how do you mourn a life in which there are no memories, no pictures, no physical remnants?  All I had left was a positive pregnancy test and a vague ultrasound photo.  The ambiguity of gender, personality, and appearance mocked me as I grasped for any facet of my child to cling to.

 

One truth continued to surface through out the grieving process: I loved that baby.  But how was it possible to love someone I’d never met?  This little life hadn’t done anything good or bad yet.  No kindness had been extended, no love shown in return.  Nothing.  On the contrary, the presence and then absence of their life had caused me much pain.  So much hopelessness.  Yet the fact remained:  my love for this baby was rich and deep for no other reason than that it was my baby.  My love was a “just because” love.  I didn’t expect anything in return.  My love wasn’t a reward given.  It wasn’t based on positive experiences. I simply loved just because I did.

 

Perhaps we’ve all misunderstood love at one time or another.  Maybe you thought it was having all your desires fulfilled by someone.  Maybe it was the warm fuzzies when he held your hand for the first time. Or the confidence you had in knowing she’d be there for you when you fell.  For years I had mistakenly assumed love was something that grew out of a series of good experiences and mutual concern.  Yet it took one of the most “unlovely” experiences of my life to teach me what true love is.  It is a love without condition or clause, never needing a reason or cause.  True love is just because.

 

Those miscarriages revealed something else.  They uncovered my ability to give that kind of love.  Once I knew my heart was able to love regardless of what I get out of it, I no longer had an excuse. I knew from that day on that this was the way I was to love people.  When failed expectations came in my marriage, I was able to respond in “just because” love instead of anger and hateful words.  When a friend didn’t show the kind of response I had hoped for, I could choose love instead of holding a grudge. 

 

I still think about the babies I lost and wonder what they would have been like.  I often meditate on the immeasurable impact their lives had on mine.  A few months and two surgeries after losing baby number 3, I found myself holding those two lines again.  A strange mix of joy and fear swirled around me.  With much apprehension, my heart slowly poked out of its hiding place to embrace this unborn life.  Though my pregnancy was an emotional rollercoaster, I was given the gift of holding my baby girl on January 8 of 2011.  And even now when she pushes boundaries and screams when she doesn’t get her way, my love for her remains.  It will always remain.  My love for her is a “just because” love. 

Safer Than a Known Way

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It’s amazing how difficult it is to believe the Word of God sometimes. Even after years of walking with the Lord and seeing His faithfulness proved again and again and again, I still find myself struggling to believe words I know to be true. Can anyone relate to me here?


“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways, and He will make your path straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 “He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all–how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?” Romans 8:32 Some of my favorite promises of Scripture are also the ones that I struggle to believe on a daily basis.


I know that ultimately God has a much higher and comprehensive view of my situation than I do and therefore knows what is best for me. This is why I am commanded to trust Him and not my own understanding of my situation. I also know if He was going to withhold anything from me, it would be the thing most precious to Him: His own beloved Son: Jesus. But He hasn’t done that; instead He gave Jesus up for my sake to be punished for my sin so that I might be justified and have eternal life. So what reason does God have to withhold anything else from me unless it is ultimately for my benefit? I know these things to be true.


I know this because I have seen these truths tested throughout the years of my life. I lost 3 babies before the end of the first trimester in pregnancy and yet found out that ultimately this was God’s grace to me. It allowed me to discover an easily treatable problem in my body that would allow me to have healthy babies and possibly save my life (read about this in my post Faith in Difficult Times). I married a man whose calling has brought me into a lifestyle of traveling, a lack of routine, and time at home alone that I never thought I wanted yet has proven to be one of the sweetest channels of intimacy with God (see post A Day in the Life). I have over and over again seen God prove His faithfulness to me through circumstances that seemed undesirable. So what reason do I have to distrust Him? None.

Yet here I find myself past my due date with our second baby, Sophia, wondering why God hasn’t brought her here yet in the time and manner that I wanted. It may seem very silly to be concerned about something so small, but this is what I have been wrestling with for these past few weeks. One of my brothers leaves the country this Sunday for 4 months, all of my family is only available this coming weekend to see Sophia so I would have someone to watch Lively and Jimmy is off on Sabbatical this month (read about this on his blog here). In my mind, everything was PERFECT for her to come last week! Yet here I am, still pregnant and waiting to go into labor, telling God that clearly He doesn’t know what He’s doing in delaying Sophia’s entrance into this world.

Again, this might seem like something small and menial, and maybe it is, but waiting for her to be born has created a daily battle in my mind to trust and believe God knows what is best for my family and me. I continually remind myself that He knows my situation: He knows that my brother leaves on Sunday, that my sister has to go back to college on Monday, that Jimmy’s precious time at home gets shorter with each day. Not only that, He knows things about my situation and future to which I am totally oblivious. So it should be easy to trust His timing, right? Unfortunately that has not been the case.

Sometimes it is easy to trust God. Other times it is a daily and continual battle of the mind where my arms grow tired from a constant use of the sword of His Word (Eph 6:17). But whether hard or easy, my call as a child of God is still the same: Choose to believe my Father’s words over my own feelings.

Part of this process has included a surrendering of my rights. Maybe it’s because I live in America, one of the most entitled societies in existence, but I often feel like I have a right to have things go my way. So when God’s plan doesn’t line up with mine, I feel justified in my anger and frustration. But according to the Bible, the only thing I am entitled to is an eternity separated from God in hell because of my sins (for the wages of sin is death… Romans 3:23). Everything other than this is purely a gift from God in my life. So any other “rights” I may feel entitled to I have no license to actually claim. This includes my right to Sophia being born within my timetable.

I recently finished a book called “Safer Than a Known Way” by Pamela Rosewell Moore. Her story centered around a continual surrendering of her rights which allowed God to work freely in her life in great ways, often in ways she never thought she’d want. But of course, in surrendering her will to choose what God would have, she found His way is always the most joyful and most satisfying. Her story ends with this quote: “Only the Lord sees the end of my story. It is not in my control. But I do know this: when I surrender to Him, I am safer than if I had chosen a known way.”

What an encouragement this book has been to me as I am in this season of waiting. I see a “known way”: what I want to happen. But the promise is that God’s way, even though it is unknown, is much better than what I can see. But it is the unknown that terrifies me, which is what keeps me from trusting God. I am unsure of what He will do if I trust Him, so instead I choose my own way. But I have no logical reason not to trust Him, because His ways have NEVER ONCE been anything less than the absolute best thing for me.

So today, I am in a battle to trust God and lean not on my own understanding as I await the birth of our sweet baby Sophia. I have no idea in what way or what time He will bring her into this world, but I must choose to believe that His ways and His timing are far better than I could even dream.

How are you struggling to believe God today? Are you afraid of the unknownness of His ways? Can you believe that His ways are safer than a known way? If you are up to the challenge, join me today in believing His Word and trusting that His ways are far better than our own.

Blog Update: Bible Studies Added

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Hello friends and followers!

If you haven’t heard, I recently added a new page to my blog called “Bible Studies.” Over the past few years I have had the opportunity to write a few Bible studies and devotionals for high schoolers and adults. I am beginning to post some of these on this page for you to download and print off. Feel free to share these with others or use them to lead others if you already teach a Bible study. I hope these can be helpful to you.

I wanted to point out one in particular to you called “Intimacy with God.” I have often been asked about what it takes to cultivate true intimacy with God beyond just daily religious activities. I created a 3 day devotional in response to this common inquiry because I feel it is so vital to have a living, moving, active relationship with God that is tangible and felt. This devotional goes through 3 basic approaches that I operate in on a daily basis that bring me into real intimacy with God.

Here is a preview of this devotional. You can download the entire thing on the Bible Studies page.

Say that I decided to sit with you at lunch every day because I wanted to get to know you more. I immediately start giving you an in depth account of my day so far. I talk through the entire lunchtime and as soon as the bell rings, I jump up and say, “Great talking to you! See you tomorrow!” and leave. I begin to do the same thing every day. Do you think I will really get to know who you are? Of course not! I need to hear from you to get to know you.

In the same way, we need to practice listening to God through our day, and not just talking to Him all the time. But how do you actually do that? Let me share a story with you that I think will help:

There was a guy named Tim who went to high school with me. We weren’t friends or even acquaintances. I simply knew what he looked like. I never really saw him at school; once in a while I’d see him in line in the cafeteria or in the hallway. Then one year, I had a class with him and got to know him a little better. Within a few months, I had developed a full-blown crush on him. I thought about him all the time, and looked for him everywhere I went. All of the sudden, I saw him all the time! In the hallways, after school in the parking lot, and at lunch. I soon learned where his locker was, who his friends were and knew which halls he took to get to third period.

I’m sure many of you have experienced this same phenomenon before. It wasn’t that Tim wasn’t around before. He was always there. I was just too caught up in my own conversations to notice him. He was really still a stranger to me so when he passed by, I didn’t notice. But once I had a crush on him, I began to look for him. I always had my eye out for him. Through every conversation with friends, my eyes would be darting around the hallway just to catch a glimpse of him.

In the same way, God is all around us, trying to speak to us. But so often, we rarely hear because we are too caught up in our day-to-day activities. We aren’t looking for Him and listening to Him. But when we begin looking for Him and keeping our eye out for Him, He shows up all over the place! We need to be excited and expect Him to show up and speak to us, just like I was always expecting Tim to come around the corner.

Children: Burden or Blessing?

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“Say goodbye to date nights!” “Better catch up on that sleep now because you won’t be getting any.” “You won’t have any free time, so use it now.” If you have ever been pregnant, these statements might sound familiar. These are the types of remarks I received when I was expecting the birth of our daughter last year. I was amazed at the amount of negativity that was associated with having children. Along with the (unsolicited) advice I received came warnings of nightmares to come. Even now that my daughter is 15 months old, I still receive those warnings from other random parents in the grocery store: “Enjoy it now! Just wait til she starts talking!” Over and over the message I hear is this: children are a burden and an inconvenience.


How sad that one of the most exciting adventures we are privileged to embark on is often clouded with pessimism. I think the main reason children are viewed so negatively is they keep us from being able to do what we want when we want to do it. Before our daughter was born, my husband and I could pick up and go wherever we wanted to go at a moment’s notice. It didn’t matter how late it was or if was naptime or not, we just went. If I wanted to go shopping for a few hours just for fun, I could do that. I didn’t have a heavy car seat to carry around, and didn’t have to fit all of my shopping into the few hours in between naptime. I could visit friends or work an extra few hours and it wasn’t a problem. Now that has all changed.


But as I look to the Bible, I am left with only one option as to how view children: they are a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5 says “Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.”


I think the very reason many people consider children a burden is actually the very reason they are a blessing! God is in the business of conforming us into the image of His son, Jesus, (Rom 8:29) who gave up His rights as God to serve and save mankind through sacrificing His very life (Phil 2:3-11). What better way to become made into the image of Jesus than to become a parent? This gift of a little child forces us to give up our right to what we want for their wellbeing. All those long nights of rocking her to sleep and the way she limits my freedom to go do what I want remind me that this life is not about me and what I want. She allows me to daily practice the command to “do nothing from selfishness, but consider others as more important than myself.” (Phil 2:3) As a follower of Jesus, I am grateful for how becoming a parent has accelerated the process of dying to myself.


In addition to practicing self-sacrifice every day, being a parent has caused me to depend on the grace of God in a deeper and more constant way. Whether Lively is screaming in the grocery store because she is teething, or struggling to fall asleep at night, I am forced to run to God in prayer for patience, guidance, and peace. These small inconveniences keep close to Him on an hourly basis. And anything that causes me to depend on Him more is a blessing. It is much better to do life dependent on God than on my own resources. That is why 2 Corinthians 12:9-11 tells us that we are strongest in our weakness because it is God’s grace we are depending on.


But more than anything, what most excites me about parenthood is the ability I have to change the world. No one influences a person more than his or her parents. For better or for worse, our parents have affected and influenced our lives in such a deep, profound way that it has shaped the trajectory of our life. Any therapist can tell you this is true. The most powerful and long-lasting impact I will make on this world is how I invest in and raise my children. If I raise them to be confident men and women who know the Truth of the Word of God and have their eyes set on Jesus as the greatest privilege and priority of their life, this world will be a different place. How I raise them will also affect what kind of parents they will be one day to our grandchildren, and then to their children after that. The impact is exponential! I see no greater privilege and honor than to invest myself in raising our children. And that starts with these early days of little sleep and little time for myself.


What an infinite blessing our little daughter is. Through her, God is bringing death to my self-centeredness, drawing me closer to Himself in dependence on His grace, and allowing me the opportunity of a lifetime to bring about world-change. Is it more fun to do what I want when I want? Of course. Is it easier to not have to depend on God so much? Sure. But I have the great blessing and honor of becoming conformed into the likeness of my Savior and True Love, Jesus, while making an impact on this world for His Glory. Not to mention the conduit of these things happens to be the cutest, sweetest, most precious little girl I have ever laid my eyes on. How could life get any better?!


Children: an inconvenience and a burden? Not a chance. There couldn’t be a greater blessing in my life!

Is Jesus Really Enough?

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Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me
On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains


These are lyrics to a worship song called “One Thing Remains.” We sang it in church a couple weeks ago and one line in particular stood out to me: It overwhelms and satisfies my soul. It reminds me of my favorite verses in Philippians 3:7-9 which speak of the “surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus” in which everything else by comparison is rubbish. The love of God… is it true that it overwhelms and satisfies my soul?


And what if that were true? What if His love not only satisfied my soul, but overwhelmed it to a point of overflowing? There would be such contentment in my heart and soul that all other longings and unfulfilled desires would dissipate. I would be so filled up by the love of God that I would no longer seek what I can get from my earthly relationships, but rather what I can give. All sorrow, pain, and sadness would shrink in the shadow of the love of God for me. In all areas of life I would be operating from a place of contentedness, not desperate longings for things other than God.


We sing this song and others like it with such passion on Sunday mornings, but often live a life that screams “God isn’t enough for me. I need X, Y, or Z to be content, happy, and fulfilled.” In my conversations with others, I hear many longings for marriage, for children, for better friends, for a better husband, for a change in life circumstances, for more money, for “whatever it is” to be over with. There is a sense in which if we just had that one thing, THEN I would be overflowing and full in my heart. Can we be honest for a second? If we are waiting on anything other than God to have a full heart, then we have created an idol. God is no longer our God and no longer the one who fills our soul. He is no longer the One in whom we have placed our hope. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married or wanting a season of life to be over, but as soon as we need that to happen to be completely fulfilled, it is an idol.


So where do we go from here? May I first suggest that we stop being satisfied with singing songs in church, quoting Scripture and then living like none of it is true. It doesn’t matter what we say we believe or what we sing; our actions will show the true beliefs of our heart. If you feel as if you could never be happy unless you are married, have children, etc, then be honest with yourself, God, and others. Admit that you’re setting your hope on something else and don’t actually believe that God alone is enough for you. Let’s start by being honest about what we actually believe because we can actually move forward from there. If you aren’t being honest, you are deceiving yourself and creating a roadblock for any spiritual growth. Any progress you try to make spiritually won’t last if you are building on a foundation that isn’t actually there.


So why do we have such a hard time being honest with ourselves in the first place? I think we desperately want to have it all together and be “the good Christian” with all the right answers. Maybe it’s because we care way too much about what others think of us or maybe it’s because we think that’s how we can please God. Either way, this causes us to lack a sense of raw honesty about where we are at and what we actually think about God and who we are as believers. There is something in most of us that hesitates to say, “I know the Bible says that everything is a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus, but I don’t actually believe that right now.” But if we want to see true growth and freedom from idols in our life, I believe it will start with that kind of honesty.


In my own life, being honest looks like accepting my heart’s tendency to find its fulfillment in things other than Jesus. Once I perceive that I am no longer believing Jesus to be enough for me, I can identify the idols I’ve created. An idol is usually the one thing I want and think will make me “feel better” or “be ok.” Once I identify the idol, it is time to get rid of it. I confess to God and at least one other person my sin of creating an idol and putting it before Him and pray that in His power and through Jesus’ work on the cross that He would remove it and help me to let it go. This has included letting go of dreams, goals, and expectations I had for my life (which, by the way, is extremely difficult and often painful). All things I thought I needed IN ADDITION to the love of God in my life. After days, weeks, and sometimes months, of working to uproot the idol from my heart I am ready for God to come back in as the rightful desire of my soul. But again, this is not always an easy process.


Even after ridding idols from my heart, I often feel unsure that God will actually be enough for me in their absence. But it doesn’t really matter how I feel; my feelings are rarely based in reality. The Word of God on the other hand, is absolute truth and will never change and never ever fade away. So this is where the faith-walking part comes in: choosing to believe the Word of God above my feelings. What does that look like? For me, this looks like “sick soul care.” This is something I do immediately after discovering an idol in my heart. When my body is sick, I take extra measures to get it back to a healthy place by getting extra rest, taking extra vitamins, and cutting out junk food. In the same way, when I realize my soul has been unhealthy I take extra measures to get it healthy again through extra doses of Bible reading in my day, cutting out forms of media whose message is unbiblical, and more time in prayer to be honest with God about the condition of my heart. And without fail, when I take these extra measures, in a matter of days or weeks, I find myself falling in love with God all over again. My soul, in its healthy state, again begins to proclaim, “Yes, Jesus, you truly are more than enough for me!”


My challenge on this Sunday morning, is that we would no longer sing worship songs that our hearts really don’t believe. Instead of singing the lyrics, pray that God would make them true in your heart. Let’s begin to be honest with ourselves and one another when we are struggling to believe that Jesus is enough so we can deal with the idols in our hearts. Better to be honest about any “sickness” in our soul than act as if we are healthy. Let’s pursue Jesus together from a real honest place so that we might see true victory over the idols in our hearts!